My dad died 32 years ago today and it seems that not a days goes by, even after all this time, that it doesn’t come up in my life somehow. What saddens me even more than that is how our girls are suffering a much worse experience because of your decisions. I am very much alive and I have spend every ounce of energy trying to be with them through all of their life. They will now become adults with the gap and pain in their lives of having been forced to live without a parent.
Greg said: How are you helping your son grow and develop even though the other kids are abused through parental loss.
So, things aren’t easy. They never are. There are a lot of things that are background, but for the sake of having some sort of structure and limit to this post, I’ll focus on the specific question. My son is eight and I have told him everything about what is going on. I don’t believe in hiding the truth from children. He knows that his sisters love him to pieces and he knows that I love all of them with everything that I am. He knows that I suffer and that it hurts and he knows that their mother has made the decision to do this to all of us and I have no idea why people do things like this. I encourage him to text the girls and call them but it’s difficult because their mother has blocked nearly any number even remotely related to me or anyone in my family and friends realm.
What do I do? I give him all of my love every single day. I make sure he gets to go to BMX and enjoys school. I’ve moved over 1,000 miles away from home to live near his other half brother. I have switched jobs and taken a pay cut to make sure I can work from home and take him to school every day and pick him up every day. I’m not perfect; I’ve been late to school, I’ve slept in and taken him to school late. The courts would probably take him away from me for that, but ironically when there is no one to pay the lawyers and fund the courts no one seems to give a shit how good of a parent I am.
Sometimes, I lie in bed and cry about life and he comes in and hugs me and knows that no matter what happens it will always be “me and you.” He knows that no matter how bad things can seem or who lets us down, that he and I will always be together and we will continue to kick life’s ass. I make sure that no matter how rough life can be, he still has chores and homework and play time, that I expect him to get all of his homework done up to our standards and that he shows respect to every adult and good sportsmanship to every competitor.
What else can I do? No matter who lets me down or how depressed I get, he needs me. He doesn’t deserve to suffer through childhood because of one selfish “mother” who cares about no one but herself. I’ve found that I won’t find happiness in work, money, or things. I’ve found that the only thing that brings me true joy is my children and because of that I spend every minute of every day doing whatever I can for them. I hope I’m doing it right. I hope I’m helping them and not hurting them. I hope they’ll grow up happy and healthy. I hope that one day they will all sit at a table together for Thanksgiving and be thankful that we are a family once again.
ALL IN THE BEST INTEREST OF THE CHILD? MAYBE IF THE COURTS AGREE MY EX-WIFE IS A FREAKING CHILD!!!
1. I, admittedly, led my marriage to its early grave.
2. A few rocky years finally lead to 50/50 custody with a reasonable child support order.
3. Reasonable peace for the most part but disagreements always went to mom so I didn’t have to fight and it was clear the girls couldn’t discuss me or my new wife at mom’s.
4. She starts to deny special requests, family is visiting from out of town and wants a few hours with the kids on “her days” and she refuses, even with the girls begging to go.
5. Now there are constant court hearings saying that I am a drug addict and my now second ex-wife is a danger to the kids, even though she had helped me raise them for nearly 5 years at this point. All denied but my horrible lawyer actually allows an order saying that I am not allowed to facilitate contact between the two parties. How can family court have jurisdiction over whether an outside party speaks to the kids or not?
6. I move to Colorado and the girls begin to speak their minds and want to move with me. She ignores them for a while then we end up back in court, over and over again.
7. SEVEN requests for supervised visitation for dad! Only reason is that I am “pressuring them to say they want to move and discussing court matters with them.” Each and every time it is denied even with her spyware screen prints of 500 pages of my Facebook, Twitter, and Blogs. Mind you the girls weren’t allowed to be my “friend” on any social media or they would have to delete their accounts.
8. Suddenly, after 8 years, she needs nearly $2,000 a month in child support including arrears back to when she first filed and then delayed the hearings.
9. After the judge allowed one child to testify in court, all documents stating that the 14 year old clearly wants to live with dad, the court denies it and agrees to the maximum child support WITH arrears.
10. Step dad gets abusive and daughter runs away. Who does she call, DAD. I support her and try everything but end up getting a Cease and Desist from Step Ass and a new hearing for supervised visitation.
11. New judge, same exact verbiage as other 7 requests and the judge GRANTS it.
12. 6 months now with no contact other than an occasional text telling me they miss me and wish they could talk to me.
So, I ask you to look at what this California judge ordered because mom whined via ex parte for the 8th time. After being denied 7 times and just 2 months after a custody hearing and new orders a new judge was assigned and mom tried again.
I wonder why it is that when a woman decides to have a child she is given certain rights and a man loses more. Why can a woman deceive a man and become pregnant and then know that she will be provided for until that child turns 18? Why is a man expected to take care of himself and any children he may have but a woman will be given the means to an “equitable life” no matter what she was before a marriage/relationship, and certainly no matter how much she contributed during said relationship? Why can’t I just decide to quit my job and take the baby into my care and have HER pay my rent and bills and food and clothing and a little extra so I can have some fun? It seems to me that this “system” err’d when it attempted to protect the small percentage of women who were truly mistreated and to punish the small percentage of men who were truly neglectful and went so overboard that lawyers, judges, mediators, politicians, woman, etc. now not only make a living off of treating every father like a deadbeat and taking away every right, but every GOOD father has to pay the price for the small few that truly deserved to lose their rights. Shame on the system, shame on those mothers, shame on you politicians, and shame on every one of you that supports a lazy, entitled, greedy, selfish mother who destroys a father only to make their own children suffer!!!! http://www.facebook.com/alwaystheirdad
Below is an except from an email I received. Interesting how I seem to get the same feedback from people who know me. Still think you are doing what’s best here? I heard recently how one of our girls is making plans on how to never have to see you or your husband ever again. It saddens me that your bitterness will cause them pain for now and cost them a mother later. But hey, you spent at least $75,000 and you finally got me so you have that. I’ll admit this kills me and you have won……for now. I’m fortified by knowing how the girls feel and how they speak of me to people who actually care about their happiness. Shame on you for being so selfish.
“XXXX, I am so sorry about your recent struggles with the girls. I cannot begin to imagine them being out of your life. You were one of the proudest dad’s I have known. When I think of XXXXX, I think of him and his 3 kids.This is just so tragic. Do the girls want to talk to you but the courts, the system is not allowing them? If so, I cannot think of a word worse than tragic.
I was divorced 10 years ago and I should have known immediately that it was going to be a rough ride, but I never thought someone would keep my own children away from me. I always believed that a parent kept their children through life, kids visit parents in prison right?
7 weeks ago, after step dad and my daughter got in some sort of fight and my daughter walked out, my ex filed an ex parte saying that I should be ordered supervised visitation only. She said that I orchestrated the fight, I pushed my daughter to run away, etc. I had an off duty police officer who was with my daughter that night, in court ready to testify while her lawyer objected to EVERY line in my declarations ONE BY ONE, yet when it was my turn to object to her declarations that had the same exact verbiage of hearsay the court said that we weren’t there for the fight, we were there for visitation. Ultimately they argue if it is ok to modify visitation and custody when it was just ordered in January by the previous judge. The JUDGE brings up that it is if I violated a court order and her lawyer jumps on that like a kid on a trampoline.
“He’s on a crusade,” he says to the court. ”He refuses to listen to repeated orders.” Ok, I admit that there was constantly an order that said neither parent should discuss court matters or the other parent with the children. In hindsight, I even agree that I did too much, BUT they are MY children and if they come to me about their life I discuss it. I don’t care if it’s hormones, hygeine, depression, sex, school, anything. So the order from January has that same verbiage in it and mom, AGAIN, uses spyware to show the court text messages where I discussed things with my daughter while she’s distraught about school, friends, and step dad. So the judge now orders supervised visitation only and says that it can be a non professional if the parents agree (that last happened about 12 years ago) or dad pays a supervisor. While I live out of state and communicated mostly through text and mom has taken most of my money so…….7 weeks and no communications, not even on my oldest’s 17th birthday!
I am preparing paperwork with some points that I think are against family law and also the fact that there is no attention given to the best interest of the children. I talked to my 17 year old about the divorce and now I can’t even speak to her?!?!?! That is CRAZY to me!
Today is DAUGHTER’S 17th birthday and I can’t speak to her and wish her a happy birthday or tell her how much I love her. I want to make sure you recognize that this is SOLELY your choice and she speaks to others about how much she is hurt because she can’t speak to her father on her birthday. I’ve included just my family in this email because any one of them can tell you their experience with the girls and the pain and anger the girls have expressed to them, as well as testify to the fact that I seek only one thing; unfettered time with my children. They could tell you that everything I do in my life is for the 3 children I have and love more than life itself.
DAUGHTER1 is not 7 anymore and she knows what’s going on. This isn’t about a judge knowing the law best, as you say, this is about ONE THING ONLY, you choose to keep 2 teenage girls away from their father. You have made no effort to discuss what’s best for them, there is no claim or fear of damage to the girls that could come from the girls having a relationship with me, you can’t even speak to the girls about the decision that you made. You cannot hide behind a law that says not to talk about a subject with the girls as a meritorious argument to keep me from the girls. The law protects child molesters and felons with more rights than I have currently and you have simply used the system selfishly at the price of our children’s happiness, you have singlehandedly robbed them from the right to love and be loved by their father and family. If you are somehow truly under the impression that the girls are ok with what you have required the court to do, I can put several of my friends and family in touch with you to talk to you about what the girls have said and how they have expressed their feelings over the last 6 weeks. I have had children talk to me about the sadness they have because their fathers don’t even try to be in their lives. Do you have any idea how important it was for them that I flew out there to see their play and spend time with them? Any idea at all? How can you deny them that?
For the girls benefit I will emphasize this to you one more time. I am SORRY. I recognize that I shouldn’t have given into my emotions at certain times and should not have said certain things. I give you my word that outside of those times I have always told the girls that even when they are upset about how they are treated at your house, to remember that whatever you are doing you are doing because you love them and believe it’s the best thing. Even when I have been left completely bewildered by your actions I have never encouraged them to hate you and I have NEVER stood between them and time with you.
The bottom line is this. I am a good father, a damn good father and the girls NEED me in their life too. There is no law needed or truly at issue here and it is 100% your decision to keep them from me. In the long run I will talk to the girls again and the only thing that is happening now is that they are building anger and resentment for being forced away from me and having to hold inside the anger they have. The girls and I both know that you have no real fear or substantiated reason to take this action. I urge you to consider the fact that you have been doing this to punish me and don’t have a valid concern that I could hurt the girls. As much as I have made mistakes in my life and look back wishing I could have done things differently, you will one day be able to see that you have fallen right into the trap of The American Divorce and spent all of your time and money doing nothing but attacking me at the price of our children’s happiness. It truly saddens me more than anything in the world that you can’t see that before they turn 18 and make their own decisions.
Take a few minutes today and think to yourself how you would feel if I went into court and forced them to take the girls away from you. Imagine waking up in the morning every day wanting to just say hi to them and not being allowed to. Imagine loving them with all of your heart and being kept completely out of their lives. Imagine being 17 and having a wonderful relationship with your father and finding out that mom has made it so that you can’t even talk to him on your birthday. Can you imagine with all the pain she is going through as a teenager and now not being able to talk to me? Can you imagine being in her place and wanting to talk to me at lunch when she is alone and sad only to have her mom come in and strip that from her without so much as explaining why? Can you imagine coupling that pain with her feelings about things with your husband? Can you imagine what she’ll say when she’s adult and has a conversation with a friend about what happened with her parents when she was a teenager? Can you actually imagine anything good coming from you stripping their father from them and never even explaining why you thought it was a good idea? Can you imagine anything?