This is dedicated to a friend who called me “chipper” today….It really felt like today was going to crash and burn.  I found myself getting sick again, or should I just say still, and I didn’t see how I was going to be dad to my little guy feeling the way I did.  As if I had the magic cards of a sideshow clairvoyant; the challenges began to pile up post haste.  Homework was done sloppy and incorrect, nothing was put away, everything I said went in one ear and out the other and all the while it seemed that I was being unreasonable and overly crabby.  That’s when the “fat lady” rose from her chair and opened her mouth.  Suffice it to say that a homework writing assignment managed to both devastate and infuriate me at the same time. Perhaps this is a sign of my age rapidly transforming me, but I sat in complete silence and really tried to think about why he would say these things and what I could do to actually make a difference.  I didn’t want to just spew out another lecture or have him take a pass at guessing what answers he thought I wanted to hear.

I don’t remember actually planning or figuring it out but what followed was better than I could have hoped for and truly brought me peace and hope.  I asked him if he remembered what he wrote, then why he wrote it, if he thought about what would happen and what people would think when they read it, etc.  He was quiet and searching for the answers I wanted when I looked at him and said, “son, I am really asking you because I want to know and not because I am mad or because you are in trouble.”  That’s when the tears came; just before the truth.  My poor little guy was sad.  Finally….sad?  I can understand sad.  Trust me!

I told him that it was perfectly OK to be sad.  I get sad, I miss people, I worry about things, etc. but that doesn’t mean that I can act out or that I have the right to be disrespectful.  I told him my own version of the “glass half empty” and introduced the idea of perspective to my son.  I told him that we could say that the world is awful because our family is gone and they can’t be here or we can say that we love our family so much and had the best time over the last week, or year, or whatever.  I explained to him that he has the power within himself to change anything and everything that he experiences.  That when we allow ourselves to think that everything is awful we begin to BELIEVE everything is awful and we stop caring about how we look or how well we do our homework or how respectful we are and we end up with messy rooms, dirty clothes, and buried in lectures and punishments.  

I had him tell me what he was afraid of, what he worried about, what he liked and what he wanted.  I had him tell me what things he thought he has that other kids he knew don’t have or wish they could have.  He cried, he hugged me, he told me he loves me, and he told me he wants to be different.  I told him that no matter what happened he and I would always be together and he would never be without me.  That we will think about all the awesome amazing times we do have and not worry about me ever having to leave for work.  

As if the heavens parted and a rainbow appeared, his homework was redone and the table was cleared.  While he was redoing some homework I wrote the reply letter to his assignment and it read in part:  ”When I first read this I was really sad until we talked about it and then I realized how proud I am of you for being so strong and so brave.”  I tucked my boy into bed nearly an hour after his bedtime and caught myself once again; forget about the hour, I told myself, and I grabbed my guitar and played a special song while I sung him to sleep.  He smiled, kissed me, and rolled over to sleep.  Just before I walked out he called to me and asked, “Dad, did you really mean what you wrote?  About me being brave?”

I’ll be the first to tell you how many mistakes I have made and I wouldn’t put myself anywhere near the same state as the parent of the year, BUT, tonight…..tonight I think I did something right.  I love my kids more and more with every passing second and I miss the ones I can’t be with.  I guess I am “chipper,” because that empty glass I often stare at seems to have more water and less empty tonight.

My dad died 32 years ago today and it seems that not a days goes by, even after all this time, that it doesn’t come up in my life somehow.  What saddens me even more than that is how our girls are suffering a much worse experience because of your decisions.  I am very much alive and I have spend every ounce of energy trying to be with them through all of their life.  They will now become adults with the gap and pain in their lives of having been forced to live without a parent.  

Greg said: How are you helping your son grow and develop even though the other kids are abused through parental loss.

So, things aren’t easy.  They never are.  There are a lot of things that are background, but for the sake of having some sort of structure and limit to this post, I’ll focus on the specific question.  My son is eight and I have told him everything about what is going on.  I don’t believe in hiding the truth from children.  He knows that his sisters love him to pieces and he knows that I love all of them with everything that I am.  He knows that I suffer and that it hurts and he knows that their mother has made the decision to do this to all of us and I have no idea why people do things like this.  I encourage him to text the girls and call them but it’s difficult because their mother has blocked nearly any number even remotely related to me or anyone in my family and friends realm.

What do I do?  I give him all of my love every single day.  I make sure he gets to go to BMX and enjoys school.  I’ve moved over 1,000 miles away from home to live near his other half brother.  I have switched jobs and taken a pay cut to make sure I can work from home and take him to school every day and pick him up every day.  I’m not perfect; I’ve been late to school, I’ve slept in and taken him to school late.  The courts would probably take him away from me for that, but ironically when there is no one to pay the lawyers and fund the courts no one seems to give a shit how good of a parent I am.

Sometimes, I lie in bed and cry about life and he comes in and hugs me and knows that no matter what happens it will always be “me and you.”  He knows that no matter how bad things can seem or who lets us down, that he and I will always be together and we will continue to kick life’s ass.  I make sure that no matter how rough life can be, he still has chores and homework and play time, that I expect him to get all of his homework done up to our standards and that he shows respect to every adult and good sportsmanship to every competitor.  

What else can I do?  No matter who lets me down or how depressed I get, he needs me.  He doesn’t deserve to suffer through childhood because of one selfish “mother” who cares about no one but herself.  I’ve found that I won’t find happiness in work, money, or things.  I’ve found that the only thing that brings me true joy is my children and because of that I spend every minute of every day doing whatever I can for them.  I hope I’m doing it right.  I hope I’m helping them and not hurting them.  I hope they’ll grow up happy and healthy.  I hope that one day they will all sit at a table together for Thanksgiving and be thankful that we are a family once again.

So, I ask you to look at what this California judge ordered because mom whined via ex parte for the 8th time. After being denied 7 times and just 2 months after a custody hearing and new orders a new judge was assigned and mom tried again.

 So as you can see this order is punitive for violating an order. I THINK THAT THE JUDGE AND MOM ARE VIOLATING LAWS! Is this in the best interest of the children? The judge said he didn’t think so himself when he made the order. Does this consider the fact that the previous judge of over 6 years rejected this request 7 times? Nope. Does this consider the age of the children (nearly 18)? Clearly not. Does this in fact adjudicate the judge’s control over visitation to a 3rd party (mom) because she can choose which supervisor to agree to? Oh yes! Did the judge follow the law and state clearly when, where, how visits would occur and how or when this horrific and damaging order can be modified to restore the relationship with the father? NOPE! 

I wonder why it is that when a woman decides to have a child she is given certain rights and a man loses more.  Why can a woman deceive a man and become pregnant and then know that she will be provided for until that child turns 18?  Why is a man expected to take care of himself and any children he may have but a woman will be given the means to an “equitable life” no matter what she was before a marriage/relationship, and certainly no matter how much she contributed during said relationship?  Why can’t I just decide to quit my job and take the baby into my care and have HER pay my rent and bills and food and clothing and a little extra so I can have some fun?  It seems to me that this “system” err’d when it attempted to protect the small percentage of women who were truly mistreated and to punish the small percentage of men who were truly neglectful and went so overboard that lawyers, judges, mediators, politicians, woman, etc. now not only make a living off of treating every father like a deadbeat and taking away every right, but every GOOD father has to pay the price for the small few that truly deserved to lose their rights.  Shame on the system, shame on those mothers, shame on you politicians, and shame on every one of you that supports a lazy, entitled, greedy, selfish mother who destroys a father only to make their own children suffer!!!!   http://www.facebook.com/alwaystheirdad

Yesterday I was at a place where I should have felt happy.  I was surrounded by the people I love and who love me.  We were having a good time but I couldn’t shake that feeling like something wasn’t right.  Then I realized it, not that it changes anything when I catch it, depression was sneaking into my head again.  How is it that I can look at someone I am so in love with and still find myself feeling like their is something wrong or something lacking.  Am I just expecting things to get fucked up?  I HATE depression, I hate when I know that there is nothing wrong and I know that my perspective is off but I can’t shake it.  How can I be with someone else when I am so off in my own head.  How can I expect them to put their head on my shoulder and tell me that it’s ok when they are probably frustrated that I seem to be making a problem that isn’t even there? 

Everyone seems to think that if they tell me that everything is ok then I will just magically feel better.  I know I’m depressed but that doesn’t mean I can just decide to be happy.  I wonder what its like to feel happy.  I wonder what its like to just live one’s days without drama and pain and regret and sadness.  I have everything I have ever wanted or needed but I can’t be happy and I fucking hate that!  I want my children back, I want my ex’s out of my life, I want better health, I want to feel confident and safe in my relationships, I want to change, I want to be somebody again.  

I can’t wait until this whirlpool of sadness stops spinning and at least gives me a brief break.  I want some time to climb out of the funnel and enjoy the view up top.  I know I’ll slide back down but my battle for right now is to just get that brief respite.

Divorce happens. That’s not to say it should happen, but it’s not uncommon. The divorce rate is over 50% in the United States and the chances of a successful marriage drop substantially with each re-marriage. The carnage left in the wake of a marriage ending may seem insurmountable. It ranges from sorrow and depression, anger, financial landslide and children left hurt and confused by the break-up of their family. That’s just the short list.

With all the emotions and changes that happen in such a short amount of time, it’s impossible to make all the right choices 100% of the time. Sometimes emotion and hurt feelings cloud the judgment of one or both of the parties involved. It can be a slippery slope. Especially if there are children involved. When it really comes down to it, Children end up suffering the most in a divorce. Children have their worlds shaken to the core. They had two parents in the home and now they only have one. Maybe dad moves out of state, maybe mom remarries. Everything that was constant and true in their world has been turned upside down.

In a perfect world, marriages with children would end amicably. Both parties would agree to reasonable terms without fighting, financial arrangements, shared custody, etc. But this isn’t a perfect world. What happens when those hurt feelings completely cloud the judgment of the custodial parent?

Ultimately, it could lead to the custodial parent using the court system as a means of revenge.  Constant litigation, parent alienation, allegations…even losing the right to speak to or see your own children. This can happen anywhere, to anyone. Mom’s and dad’s that are denied access to their children because of loop holes in the law, false allegations and a system that clearly favors mothers. But this isn’t just about Father’s Rights or a mother’s rights. It’s about a child’s right to have access to good, willing and fit parents.

This is one Dad’s story. (He is staying anonymous because of the constant litigation.) But this is not an unfamiliar story.  Every day children are litigated away from good parents. It’s not only a fact, but the title of his Facebook page.  This Dad said “enough is enough” after losing the right to speak to his daughter’s unsupervised.  “My children are suffering at the hands of a broken system in desperate need of repair.”  The anonymous father that uses AlwaysTheirDad as his online moniker said.  “I refuse to sit back while my rights as a father are simply litigated away from me and my children.” Now he is on a mission to help local parents and parents all across the country. He wants to give them a voice and a community to come together and share their woes and victories. But his mission is dual purposed; he also wants to spread the word about his own case in the hopes that he can be reunited with his daughters soon. “At a time when I am not allowed to even wish my teenage daughter a happy birthday, I just want to be able to tell them how much I love them.”

If you want to become part of the community or find out more about this Dad’s mission and how you can help spread the word, please visit his blog and Facebook page. If you want local resources please visit the NCFC Greater Pittsburgh Chapter.

Today is DAUGHTER’S 17th birthday and I can’t speak to her and wish her a happy birthday or tell her how much I love her.  I want to make sure you recognize that this is SOLELY your choice and she speaks to others about how much she is hurt because she can’t speak to her father on her birthday.  I’ve included just my family in this email because any one of them can tell you their experience with the girls and the pain and anger the girls have expressed to them, as well as testify to the fact that I seek only one thing; unfettered time with my children.  They could tell you that everything I do in my life is for the 3 children I have and love more than life itself. 

DAUGHTER1 is not 7 anymore and she knows what’s going on.  This isn’t about a judge knowing the law best, as you say, this is about ONE THING ONLY, you choose to keep 2 teenage girls away from their father.  You have made no effort to discuss what’s best for them, there is no claim or fear of damage to the girls that could come from the girls having a relationship with me, you can’t even speak to the girls about the decision that you made.  You cannot hide behind a law that says not to talk about a subject with the girls as a meritorious argument to keep me from the girls.  The law protects child molesters and felons with more rights than I have currently and you have simply used the system selfishly at the price of our children’s happiness, you have singlehandedly robbed them from the right to love and be loved by their father and family.  If you are somehow truly under the impression that the girls are ok with what you have required the court to do, I can put several of my friends and family in touch with you to talk to you about what the girls have said and how they have expressed their feelings over the last 6 weeks.  I have had children talk to me about the sadness they have because their fathers don’t even try to be in their lives.  Do you have any idea how important it was for them that I flew out there to see their play and spend time with them?  Any idea at all?  How can you deny them that?

For the girls benefit I will emphasize this to you one more time.  I am SORRY.  I recognize that I shouldn’t have given into my emotions at certain times and should not have said certain things.  I give you my word that outside of those times I have always told the girls that even when they are upset about how they are treated at your house, to remember that whatever you are doing you are doing because you love them and believe it’s the best thing.  Even when I have been left completely bewildered by your actions I have never encouraged them to hate you and I have NEVER stood between them and time with you.

The bottom line is this.  I am a good father, a damn good father and the girls NEED me in their life too.  There is no law needed or truly at issue here and it is 100% your decision to keep them from me.  In the long run I will talk to the girls again and the only thing that is happening now is that they are building anger and resentment for being forced away from me and having to hold inside the anger they have.  The girls and I both know that you have no real fear or substantiated reason to take this action.   I urge you to consider the fact that you have been doing this to punish me and don’t have a valid concern that I could hurt the girls.  As much as I have made mistakes in my life and look back wishing I could have done things differently, you will one day be able to see that you have fallen right into the trap of The American Divorce and spent all of your time and money doing nothing but attacking me at the price of our children’s happiness.  It truly saddens me more than anything in the world that you can’t see that before they turn 18 and make their own decisions.

Take a few minutes today and think to yourself how you would feel if I went into court and forced them to take the girls away from you.  Imagine waking up in the morning every day wanting to just say hi to them and not being allowed to.  Imagine loving them with all of your heart and being kept completely out of their lives. Imagine being 17 and having a wonderful relationship with your father and finding out that mom has made it so that you can’t even talk to him on your birthday.  Can you imagine with all the pain she is going through as a teenager and now not being able to talk to me?  Can you imagine being in her place and wanting to talk to me at lunch when she is alone and sad only to have her mom come in and strip that from her without so much as explaining why?  Can you imagine coupling that pain with her feelings about things with your husband?  Can you imagine what she’ll say when she’s adult and has a conversation with a friend about what happened with her parents when she was a teenager?  Can you actually imagine anything good coming from you stripping their father from them and never even explaining why you thought it was a good idea?  Can you imagine anything?