My dad died 32 years ago today and it seems that not a days goes by, even after all this time, that it doesn’t come up in my life somehow. What saddens me even more than that is how our girls are suffering a much worse experience because of your decisions. I am very much alive and I have spend every ounce of energy trying to be with them through all of their life. They will now become adults with the gap and pain in their lives of having been forced to live without a parent.
Greg said: How are you helping your son grow and develop even though the other kids are abused through parental loss.
So, things aren’t easy. They never are. There are a lot of things that are background, but for the sake of having some sort of structure and limit to this post, I’ll focus on the specific question. My son is eight and I have told him everything about what is going on. I don’t believe in hiding the truth from children. He knows that his sisters love him to pieces and he knows that I love all of them with everything that I am. He knows that I suffer and that it hurts and he knows that their mother has made the decision to do this to all of us and I have no idea why people do things like this. I encourage him to text the girls and call them but it’s difficult because their mother has blocked nearly any number even remotely related to me or anyone in my family and friends realm.
What do I do? I give him all of my love every single day. I make sure he gets to go to BMX and enjoys school. I’ve moved over 1,000 miles away from home to live near his other half brother. I have switched jobs and taken a pay cut to make sure I can work from home and take him to school every day and pick him up every day. I’m not perfect; I’ve been late to school, I’ve slept in and taken him to school late. The courts would probably take him away from me for that, but ironically when there is no one to pay the lawyers and fund the courts no one seems to give a shit how good of a parent I am.
Sometimes, I lie in bed and cry about life and he comes in and hugs me and knows that no matter what happens it will always be “me and you.” He knows that no matter how bad things can seem or who lets us down, that he and I will always be together and we will continue to kick life’s ass. I make sure that no matter how rough life can be, he still has chores and homework and play time, that I expect him to get all of his homework done up to our standards and that he shows respect to every adult and good sportsmanship to every competitor.
What else can I do? No matter who lets me down or how depressed I get, he needs me. He doesn’t deserve to suffer through childhood because of one selfish “mother” who cares about no one but herself. I’ve found that I won’t find happiness in work, money, or things. I’ve found that the only thing that brings me true joy is my children and because of that I spend every minute of every day doing whatever I can for them. I hope I’m doing it right. I hope I’m helping them and not hurting them. I hope they’ll grow up happy and healthy. I hope that one day they will all sit at a table together for Thanksgiving and be thankful that we are a family once again.
ALL IN THE BEST INTEREST OF THE CHILD? MAYBE IF THE COURTS AGREE MY EX-WIFE IS A FREAKING CHILD!!!
1. I, admittedly, led my marriage to its early grave.
2. A few rocky years finally lead to 50/50 custody with a reasonable child support order.
3. Reasonable peace for the most part but disagreements always went to mom so I didn’t have to fight and it was clear the girls couldn’t discuss me or my new wife at mom’s.
4. She starts to deny special requests, family is visiting from out of town and wants a few hours with the kids on “her days” and she refuses, even with the girls begging to go.
5. Now there are constant court hearings saying that I am a drug addict and my now second ex-wife is a danger to the kids, even though she had helped me raise them for nearly 5 years at this point. All denied but my horrible lawyer actually allows an order saying that I am not allowed to facilitate contact between the two parties. How can family court have jurisdiction over whether an outside party speaks to the kids or not?
6. I move to Colorado and the girls begin to speak their minds and want to move with me. She ignores them for a while then we end up back in court, over and over again.
7. SEVEN requests for supervised visitation for dad! Only reason is that I am “pressuring them to say they want to move and discussing court matters with them.” Each and every time it is denied even with her spyware screen prints of 500 pages of my Facebook, Twitter, and Blogs. Mind you the girls weren’t allowed to be my “friend” on any social media or they would have to delete their accounts.
8. Suddenly, after 8 years, she needs nearly $2,000 a month in child support including arrears back to when she first filed and then delayed the hearings.
9. After the judge allowed one child to testify in court, all documents stating that the 14 year old clearly wants to live with dad, the court denies it and agrees to the maximum child support WITH arrears.
10. Step dad gets abusive and daughter runs away. Who does she call, DAD. I support her and try everything but end up getting a Cease and Desist from Step Ass and a new hearing for supervised visitation.
11. New judge, same exact verbiage as other 7 requests and the judge GRANTS it.
12. 6 months now with no contact other than an occasional text telling me they miss me and wish they could talk to me.
A few people have asked me why I would want to share the fact that I violated the court order. Let me try to briefly explain. First of all, the verbiage of not discussing divorce, custody, etc. is a very typical inclusion in all orders and realistically is intended for young children who don’t know and don’t need to know about adult matters. In this case my children are both over 14 years old and look to their father to understand the things that they hear at school and read online. I have told every judge, counselor, mediator, and any other official that asked, that I was going to answer my children about anything and EVERYTHING that my children ask me. This has been addressed by mother for nearly 5 years now without the previous judge once punishing me even after my admissions. I did not START conversations about it nor did I pressure them into anything. As a result of my love, openness, and commitment to my children, they have come to me about sex, hygeine, pain, love, confusion, future, school, and basically anything and everything they want to talk about. Now a judge and their mother have taught them that having a parent willing to love you and communicate with you openly is a bad thing and taken that resource from them. They have taught them that it is better to hide everything away and pertend things are fine no matter what. Mom has taught them to allow a man to come in to their lives and use a loud voice and intimidation to control them. They have watched their mom make decisions that they know she would never have made before their step father came around. They are living with the feeling that their mother has chosen this stranger over them and as a result they are no longer allowed to have a relationship with their father. So, why do I openly admit to violating a court order, because that is not what is at issue here, because my whole point is that this system allows an incarcerated sexual offender speak to their child while I am not allowed to communicate with my near adult age children because their mother decides to take their child support and leverage a broken system to hurt me instead of putting money towards their education and happiness. That’s why. Because I stand by everything I do. Because I love my children and I hurt and I want to make a difference and I want my children to know (someday) that I am not ashamed, guilty, afraid, broken, but rather that I love them and I never gave up fighting for them! To teach my children that they can never let someone else bully them and force them to accept what is wrong. I LOVE YOU GIRLS! -Daddy
So, I ask you to look at what this California judge ordered because mom whined via ex parte for the 8th time. After being denied 7 times and just 2 months after a custody hearing and new orders a new judge was assigned and mom tried again.
I wonder why it is that when a woman decides to have a child she is given certain rights and a man loses more. Why can a woman deceive a man and become pregnant and then know that she will be provided for until that child turns 18? Why is a man expected to take care of himself and any children he may have but a woman will be given the means to an “equitable life” no matter what she was before a marriage/relationship, and certainly no matter how much she contributed during said relationship? Why can’t I just decide to quit my job and take the baby into my care and have HER pay my rent and bills and food and clothing and a little extra so I can have some fun? It seems to me that this “system” err’d when it attempted to protect the small percentage of women who were truly mistreated and to punish the small percentage of men who were truly neglectful and went so overboard that lawyers, judges, mediators, politicians, woman, etc. now not only make a living off of treating every father like a deadbeat and taking away every right, but every GOOD father has to pay the price for the small few that truly deserved to lose their rights. Shame on the system, shame on those mothers, shame on you politicians, and shame on every one of you that supports a lazy, entitled, greedy, selfish mother who destroys a father only to make their own children suffer!!!! http://www.facebook.com/alwaystheirdad
I am visiting the town where my girls live. Im ordered supervised visitation for visit reasons, but it can be professional or mutually aggress upon. Mom writes back to my request simply staying that I need to provide the name and number of the professional…..all I want is to speak to and see my teenage daughters!
As I have communicated to you on many occasions since our hearing, I do not have the financial means to hire someone. My trips are benefits from my work and not out of pocket. Additionally, you might recall the judge specifically adding the provision allowing a NON professional supervisor “mutually agreed upon” when discussing the potential complete destruction of my relationship with our girls. I have more then 15 signed declarations of qualified supervisors available on the court document with requirements. At this point you have only to agree on a supervisor instead of stonewalling and simply trying to keep the girls away from me. I am willing to have your mother, you, even your sister in law (who has openly declared her dislike), come along and sit right next to the girls the whole time for all I care.From my Android phone on T-Mobile. The first nationwide 4G network.
Below is an except from an email I received. Interesting how I seem to get the same feedback from people who know me. Still think you are doing what’s best here? I heard recently how one of our girls is making plans on how to never have to see you or your husband ever again. It saddens me that your bitterness will cause them pain for now and cost them a mother later. But hey, you spent at least $75,000 and you finally got me so you have that. I’ll admit this kills me and you have won……for now. I’m fortified by knowing how the girls feel and how they speak of me to people who actually care about their happiness. Shame on you for being so selfish.
“XXXX, I am so sorry about your recent struggles with the girls. I cannot begin to imagine them being out of your life. You were one of the proudest dad’s I have known. When I think of XXXXX, I think of him and his 3 kids.This is just so tragic. Do the girls want to talk to you but the courts, the system is not allowing them? If so, I cannot think of a word worse than tragic.
It is coming up on 3 months since YOU stripped me from our daughters’ lives and I haven’t received any responses from you in regards to sharing messages with them. I am severely disappointed that when I was in the ICU in a life threatening situation you maintained your completely selfish position and left the girls frightened, uninformed, and unable to speak to their own father. What confuses me the most is that in all of the research I have done in the last 3 months trying to understand what could possibly be going through you head, I haven’t found a single person, expert, article, law, anything that supports you severing our relationship over something as petty and overstated as violating the courts standard verbiage not to discuss court or each other. It saddens me to think that the girls want so badly to graduate and have nothing to do with you, all of your selfishness will only serve to hurt the girls and drive them away from any relationship with you in the future. I wonder where it is you lost a grip on reality? Is it when ++++ became involved? The girls often said that “mom wouldn’t do that if ++++
wasn’t around.” It’s a pitty, think about how much “child support” you have selfishly thrown away to keep me and my daughters separate when you could have nice safe vehicles and college funds for both of them when you are receiving over $40k a year from me alone. I guess it would be easier to save for the girls if you didn’t blow it all on lawyers and if I wasn’t supporting the rest of your family because your husband can’t.
As always, I am open and wish to communicate about a way to return to a visitation plan that is actually in the girls best interest. If you should be so inclined to communicate in any way at any time please let me know immediately.
I wake and roll to my side
grab a breath to face this ride.
First thing I do is check control
and fight the darkness that’s in my soul.
Then it hits me like a ton of bricks
I’m alone in a room controlled by pricks.
The laws in place to keep us free
Allowed a man to take my kids from me.
That’s when everyone tries to placate me
as if their platitudes could satiate me
and control is stripped by those who hate me.
So I bite my tongue and bleed inside
and trust my girls take this in stride.
While I’m beaten, broken, screwed and cheated
Injustice for brothers that only gets repeated
Courts rape our rights
and take our children while everyone watches.
Children lose in fights
and lose a parent while everyone watches.