This is dedicated to a friend who called me “chipper” today….It really felt like today was going to crash and burn.  I found myself getting sick again, or should I just say still, and I didn’t see how I was going to be dad to my little guy feeling the way I did.  As if I had the magic cards of a sideshow clairvoyant; the challenges began to pile up post haste.  Homework was done sloppy and incorrect, nothing was put away, everything I said went in one ear and out the other and all the while it seemed that I was being unreasonable and overly crabby.  That’s when the “fat lady” rose from her chair and opened her mouth.  Suffice it to say that a homework writing assignment managed to both devastate and infuriate me at the same time. Perhaps this is a sign of my age rapidly transforming me, but I sat in complete silence and really tried to think about why he would say these things and what I could do to actually make a difference.  I didn’t want to just spew out another lecture or have him take a pass at guessing what answers he thought I wanted to hear.

I don’t remember actually planning or figuring it out but what followed was better than I could have hoped for and truly brought me peace and hope.  I asked him if he remembered what he wrote, then why he wrote it, if he thought about what would happen and what people would think when they read it, etc.  He was quiet and searching for the answers I wanted when I looked at him and said, “son, I am really asking you because I want to know and not because I am mad or because you are in trouble.”  That’s when the tears came; just before the truth.  My poor little guy was sad.  Finally….sad?  I can understand sad.  Trust me!

I told him that it was perfectly OK to be sad.  I get sad, I miss people, I worry about things, etc. but that doesn’t mean that I can act out or that I have the right to be disrespectful.  I told him my own version of the “glass half empty” and introduced the idea of perspective to my son.  I told him that we could say that the world is awful because our family is gone and they can’t be here or we can say that we love our family so much and had the best time over the last week, or year, or whatever.  I explained to him that he has the power within himself to change anything and everything that he experiences.  That when we allow ourselves to think that everything is awful we begin to BELIEVE everything is awful and we stop caring about how we look or how well we do our homework or how respectful we are and we end up with messy rooms, dirty clothes, and buried in lectures and punishments.  

I had him tell me what he was afraid of, what he worried about, what he liked and what he wanted.  I had him tell me what things he thought he has that other kids he knew don’t have or wish they could have.  He cried, he hugged me, he told me he loves me, and he told me he wants to be different.  I told him that no matter what happened he and I would always be together and he would never be without me.  That we will think about all the awesome amazing times we do have and not worry about me ever having to leave for work.  

As if the heavens parted and a rainbow appeared, his homework was redone and the table was cleared.  While he was redoing some homework I wrote the reply letter to his assignment and it read in part:  ”When I first read this I was really sad until we talked about it and then I realized how proud I am of you for being so strong and so brave.”  I tucked my boy into bed nearly an hour after his bedtime and caught myself once again; forget about the hour, I told myself, and I grabbed my guitar and played a special song while I sung him to sleep.  He smiled, kissed me, and rolled over to sleep.  Just before I walked out he called to me and asked, “Dad, did you really mean what you wrote?  About me being brave?”

I’ll be the first to tell you how many mistakes I have made and I wouldn’t put myself anywhere near the same state as the parent of the year, BUT, tonight…..tonight I think I did something right.  I love my kids more and more with every passing second and I miss the ones I can’t be with.  I guess I am “chipper,” because that empty glass I often stare at seems to have more water and less empty tonight.

Time again to get something off my chest….Why is it that everyone thinks they should tell you how to feel and what to do when you’re pissed off or sad about something?  Why is it never ok to just be fuming mad and tell the world to F off?  I know there are a million things I can do.  I know that I can’t really just kill myself.  I know that one day things will be different.  I know there are options.  You know what helps me; you know what I think helps a LOT more people?  To just say “I get it,” things are shitty sometimes but I think you are an awesome human being and I am here for you.  What the hell people?  Why are so many people so messed up on this planet?  You know what I do when I want someone to help me decide what I’m going to do?  I FREAKING ASK THEM!  I say, I don’t know what to do and I need your help.  I am done.

Space came and took my love away.  It’s so quiet in this lonely house.  I’m not sure it’s somewhere I can stay, or if I even have a choice.  I reached the place where all I wanted was to be right here but it was too late.  This empty room is my only friend now and the loss is what hurts the most.  I sit here crying with nothing better to do; broken down and wounded yet still in love with you.

Greg said: How are you helping your son grow and develop even though the other kids are abused through parental loss.

So, things aren’t easy.  They never are.  There are a lot of things that are background, but for the sake of having some sort of structure and limit to this post, I’ll focus on the specific question.  My son is eight and I have told him everything about what is going on.  I don’t believe in hiding the truth from children.  He knows that his sisters love him to pieces and he knows that I love all of them with everything that I am.  He knows that I suffer and that it hurts and he knows that their mother has made the decision to do this to all of us and I have no idea why people do things like this.  I encourage him to text the girls and call them but it’s difficult because their mother has blocked nearly any number even remotely related to me or anyone in my family and friends realm.

What do I do?  I give him all of my love every single day.  I make sure he gets to go to BMX and enjoys school.  I’ve moved over 1,000 miles away from home to live near his other half brother.  I have switched jobs and taken a pay cut to make sure I can work from home and take him to school every day and pick him up every day.  I’m not perfect; I’ve been late to school, I’ve slept in and taken him to school late.  The courts would probably take him away from me for that, but ironically when there is no one to pay the lawyers and fund the courts no one seems to give a shit how good of a parent I am.

Sometimes, I lie in bed and cry about life and he comes in and hugs me and knows that no matter what happens it will always be “me and you.”  He knows that no matter how bad things can seem or who lets us down, that he and I will always be together and we will continue to kick life’s ass.  I make sure that no matter how rough life can be, he still has chores and homework and play time, that I expect him to get all of his homework done up to our standards and that he shows respect to every adult and good sportsmanship to every competitor.  

What else can I do?  No matter who lets me down or how depressed I get, he needs me.  He doesn’t deserve to suffer through childhood because of one selfish “mother” who cares about no one but herself.  I’ve found that I won’t find happiness in work, money, or things.  I’ve found that the only thing that brings me true joy is my children and because of that I spend every minute of every day doing whatever I can for them.  I hope I’m doing it right.  I hope I’m helping them and not hurting them.  I hope they’ll grow up happy and healthy.  I hope that one day they will all sit at a table together for Thanksgiving and be thankful that we are a family once again.

i lie awake at night and i think about you and how i waste all my time with you worrying that i will lose you and what a stupid thing that is.  what really sucks tonight is that i wonder what you’re thinking.  i don’t know if you hate the things i say and that you doubt that you even want to stay with me or if you love me the same way but just can’t tell me….or god knows what else.  all i know is that when i look in your eyes, or i just look at you, its a feeling I can’t explain and i don’t want to be without.  i love you

I want to stare it down.

Everything has burnt to the grown.

Run away and don’t look back

Bubbling up from in your soul.

It wasn’t yours to take.

Does it ever flash before your eyes?

Still waiting for the alarm to shout that everythings ok. 

Wishing that it wasn’t real or just another day.

Ripping up my mind to bits like a dog without a chain.

I’m digging my way out,

But the dirt keeps falling down.

Wasn’t it just yesterday

That I was wearing my own crown.

The castle has crumbled,

The royal family ripped apart

Where once there was a fire

Is now a bleeding heart.

A few people have asked me why I would want to share the fact that I violated the court order.  Let me try to briefly explain.  First of all, the verbiage of not discussing divorce, custody, etc. is a very typical inclusion in all orders and realistically is intended for young children who don’t know and don’t need to know about adult matters.  In this case my children are both over 14 years old and look to their father to understand the things that they hear at school and read online.  I have told every judge, counselor, mediator, and any other official that asked, that I was going to answer my children about anything and EVERYTHING that my children ask me.  This has been addressed by mother for nearly 5 years now without the previous judge once punishing me even after my admissions.  I did not START conversations about it nor did I pressure them into anything.  As a result of my love, openness, and commitment to my children, they have come to me about sex, hygeine, pain, love, confusion, future, school, and basically anything and everything they want to talk about.  Now a judge and their mother have taught them that having a parent willing to love you and communicate with you openly is a bad thing and taken that resource from them.  They have taught them that it is better to hide everything away and pertend things are fine no matter what.  Mom has taught them to allow a man to come in to their lives and use a loud voice and intimidation to control them.  They have watched their mom make decisions that they know she would never have made before their step father came around.  They are living with the feeling that their mother has chosen this stranger over them and as a result they are no longer allowed to have a relationship with their father.  So, why do I openly admit to violating a court order, because that is not what is at issue here, because my whole point is that this system allows an incarcerated sexual offender speak to their child while I am not allowed to communicate with my near adult age children because their mother decides to take their child support and leverage a broken system to hurt me instead of putting money towards their education and happiness.  That’s why.  Because I stand by everything I do.  Because I love my children and I hurt and I want to make a difference and I want my children to know (someday) that I am not ashamed, guilty, afraid, broken, but rather that I love them and I never gave up fighting for them!  To teach my children that they can never let someone else bully them and force them to accept what is wrong.  I LOVE YOU GIRLS!  -Daddy

Yesterday I was at a place where I should have felt happy.  I was surrounded by the people I love and who love me.  We were having a good time but I couldn’t shake that feeling like something wasn’t right.  Then I realized it, not that it changes anything when I catch it, depression was sneaking into my head again.  How is it that I can look at someone I am so in love with and still find myself feeling like their is something wrong or something lacking.  Am I just expecting things to get fucked up?  I HATE depression, I hate when I know that there is nothing wrong and I know that my perspective is off but I can’t shake it.  How can I be with someone else when I am so off in my own head.  How can I expect them to put their head on my shoulder and tell me that it’s ok when they are probably frustrated that I seem to be making a problem that isn’t even there? 

Everyone seems to think that if they tell me that everything is ok then I will just magically feel better.  I know I’m depressed but that doesn’t mean I can just decide to be happy.  I wonder what its like to feel happy.  I wonder what its like to just live one’s days without drama and pain and regret and sadness.  I have everything I have ever wanted or needed but I can’t be happy and I fucking hate that!  I want my children back, I want my ex’s out of my life, I want better health, I want to feel confident and safe in my relationships, I want to change, I want to be somebody again.  

I can’t wait until this whirlpool of sadness stops spinning and at least gives me a brief break.  I want some time to climb out of the funnel and enjoy the view up top.  I know I’ll slide back down but my battle for right now is to just get that brief respite.