Yesterday I was at a place where I should have felt happy.  I was surrounded by the people I love and who love me.  We were having a good time but I couldn’t shake that feeling like something wasn’t right.  Then I realized it, not that it changes anything when I catch it, depression was sneaking into my head again.  How is it that I can look at someone I am so in love with and still find myself feeling like their is something wrong or something lacking.  Am I just expecting things to get fucked up?  I HATE depression, I hate when I know that there is nothing wrong and I know that my perspective is off but I can’t shake it.  How can I be with someone else when I am so off in my own head.  How can I expect them to put their head on my shoulder and tell me that it’s ok when they are probably frustrated that I seem to be making a problem that isn’t even there? 

Everyone seems to think that if they tell me that everything is ok then I will just magically feel better.  I know I’m depressed but that doesn’t mean I can just decide to be happy.  I wonder what its like to feel happy.  I wonder what its like to just live one’s days without drama and pain and regret and sadness.  I have everything I have ever wanted or needed but I can’t be happy and I fucking hate that!  I want my children back, I want my ex’s out of my life, I want better health, I want to feel confident and safe in my relationships, I want to change, I want to be somebody again.  

I can’t wait until this whirlpool of sadness stops spinning and at least gives me a brief break.  I want some time to climb out of the funnel and enjoy the view up top.  I know I’ll slide back down but my battle for right now is to just get that brief respite.

I wake and roll to my side

grab a breath to face this ride.

First thing I do is check control

and fight the darkness that’s in my soul. 

Then it hits me like a ton of bricks

I’m alone in a room controlled by pricks.

The laws in place to keep us free

Allowed a man to take my kids from me.

That’s when everyone tries to placate me

as if their platitudes could satiate me

and control is stripped by those who hate me.

So I bite my tongue and bleed inside

and trust my girls take this in stride.

While I’m beaten, broken, screwed and cheated

Injustice for brothers that only gets repeated

Courts rape our rights

and take our children while everyone watches.

Children lose in fights

and lose a parent while everyone watches.