Yesterday I was at a place where I should have felt happy. I was surrounded by the people I love and who love me. We were having a good time but I couldn’t shake that feeling like something wasn’t right. Then I realized it, not that it changes anything when I catch it, depression was sneaking into my head again. How is it that I can look at someone I am so in love with and still find myself feeling like their is something wrong or something lacking. Am I just expecting things to get fucked up? I HATE depression, I hate when I know that there is nothing wrong and I know that my perspective is off but I can’t shake it. How can I be with someone else when I am so off in my own head. How can I expect them to put their head on my shoulder and tell me that it’s ok when they are probably frustrated that I seem to be making a problem that isn’t even there?
Everyone seems to think that if they tell me that everything is ok then I will just magically feel better. I know I’m depressed but that doesn’t mean I can just decide to be happy. I wonder what its like to feel happy. I wonder what its like to just live one’s days without drama and pain and regret and sadness. I have everything I have ever wanted or needed but I can’t be happy and I fucking hate that! I want my children back, I want my ex’s out of my life, I want better health, I want to feel confident and safe in my relationships, I want to change, I want to be somebody again.
I can’t wait until this whirlpool of sadness stops spinning and at least gives me a brief break. I want some time to climb out of the funnel and enjoy the view up top. I know I’ll slide back down but my battle for right now is to just get that brief respite.