A few people have asked me why I would want to share the fact that I violated the court order. Let me try to briefly explain. First of all, the verbiage of not discussing divorce, custody, etc. is a very typical inclusion in all orders and realistically is intended for young children who don’t know and don’t need to know about adult matters. In this case my children are both over 14 years old and look to their father to understand the things that they hear at school and read online. I have told every judge, counselor, mediator, and any other official that asked, that I was going to answer my children about anything and EVERYTHING that my children ask me. This has been addressed by mother for nearly 5 years now without the previous judge once punishing me even after my admissions. I did not START conversations about it nor did I pressure them into anything. As a result of my love, openness, and commitment to my children, they have come to me about sex, hygeine, pain, love, confusion, future, school, and basically anything and everything they want to talk about. Now a judge and their mother have taught them that having a parent willing to love you and communicate with you openly is a bad thing and taken that resource from them. They have taught them that it is better to hide everything away and pertend things are fine no matter what. Mom has taught them to allow a man to come in to their lives and use a loud voice and intimidation to control them. They have watched their mom make decisions that they know she would never have made before their step father came around. They are living with the feeling that their mother has chosen this stranger over them and as a result they are no longer allowed to have a relationship with their father. So, why do I openly admit to violating a court order, because that is not what is at issue here, because my whole point is that this system allows an incarcerated sexual offender speak to their child while I am not allowed to communicate with my near adult age children because their mother decides to take their child support and leverage a broken system to hurt me instead of putting money towards their education and happiness. That’s why. Because I stand by everything I do. Because I love my children and I hurt and I want to make a difference and I want my children to know (someday) that I am not ashamed, guilty, afraid, broken, but rather that I love them and I never gave up fighting for them! To teach my children that they can never let someone else bully them and force them to accept what is wrong. I LOVE YOU GIRLS! -Daddy
Below is an except from an email I received. Interesting how I seem to get the same feedback from people who know me. Still think you are doing what’s best here? I heard recently how one of our girls is making plans on how to never have to see you or your husband ever again. It saddens me that your bitterness will cause them pain for now and cost them a mother later. But hey, you spent at least $75,000 and you finally got me so you have that. I’ll admit this kills me and you have won……for now. I’m fortified by knowing how the girls feel and how they speak of me to people who actually care about their happiness. Shame on you for being so selfish.
“XXXX, I am so sorry about your recent struggles with the girls. I cannot begin to imagine them being out of your life. You were one of the proudest dad’s I have known. When I think of XXXXX, I think of him and his 3 kids.This is just so tragic. Do the girls want to talk to you but the courts, the system is not allowing them? If so, I cannot think of a word worse than tragic.
It is coming up on 3 months since YOU stripped me from our daughters’ lives and I haven’t received any responses from you in regards to sharing messages with them. I am severely disappointed that when I was in the ICU in a life threatening situation you maintained your completely selfish position and left the girls frightened, uninformed, and unable to speak to their own father. What confuses me the most is that in all of the research I have done in the last 3 months trying to understand what could possibly be going through you head, I haven’t found a single person, expert, article, law, anything that supports you severing our relationship over something as petty and overstated as violating the courts standard verbiage not to discuss court or each other. It saddens me to think that the girls want so badly to graduate and have nothing to do with you, all of your selfishness will only serve to hurt the girls and drive them away from any relationship with you in the future. I wonder where it is you lost a grip on reality? Is it when ++++ became involved? The girls often said that “mom wouldn’t do that if ++++
wasn’t around.” It’s a pitty, think about how much “child support” you have selfishly thrown away to keep me and my daughters separate when you could have nice safe vehicles and college funds for both of them when you are receiving over $40k a year from me alone. I guess it would be easier to save for the girls if you didn’t blow it all on lawyers and if I wasn’t supporting the rest of your family because your husband can’t.
As always, I am open and wish to communicate about a way to return to a visitation plan that is actually in the girls best interest. If you should be so inclined to communicate in any way at any time please let me know immediately.
Divorce happens. That’s not to say it should happen, but it’s not uncommon. The divorce rate is over 50% in the United States and the chances of a successful marriage drop substantially with each re-marriage. The carnage left in the wake of a marriage ending may seem insurmountable. It ranges from sorrow and depression, anger, financial landslide and children left hurt and confused by the break-up of their family. That’s just the short list.
With all the emotions and changes that happen in such a short amount of time, it’s impossible to make all the right choices 100% of the time. Sometimes emotion and hurt feelings cloud the judgment of one or both of the parties involved. It can be a slippery slope. Especially if there are children involved. When it really comes down to it, Children end up suffering the most in a divorce. Children have their worlds shaken to the core. They had two parents in the home and now they only have one. Maybe dad moves out of state, maybe mom remarries. Everything that was constant and true in their world has been turned upside down.
In a perfect world, marriages with children would end amicably. Both parties would agree to reasonable terms without fighting, financial arrangements, shared custody, etc. But this isn’t a perfect world. What happens when those hurt feelings completely cloud the judgment of the custodial parent?
Ultimately, it could lead to the custodial parent using the court system as a means of revenge. Constant litigation, parent alienation, allegations…even losing the right to speak to or see your own children. This can happen anywhere, to anyone. Mom’s and dad’s that are denied access to their children because of loop holes in the law, false allegations and a system that clearly favors mothers. But this isn’t just about Father’s Rights or a mother’s rights. It’s about a child’s right to have access to good, willing and fit parents.
This is one Dad’s story. (He is staying anonymous because of the constant litigation.) But this is not an unfamiliar story. Every day children are litigated away from good parents. It’s not only a fact, but the title of his Facebook page. This Dad said “enough is enough” after losing the right to speak to his daughter’s unsupervised. “My children are suffering at the hands of a broken system in desperate need of repair.” The anonymous father that uses AlwaysTheirDad as his online moniker said. “I refuse to sit back while my rights as a father are simply litigated away from me and my children.” Now he is on a mission to help local parents and parents all across the country. He wants to give them a voice and a community to come together and share their woes and victories. But his mission is dual purposed; he also wants to spread the word about his own case in the hopes that he can be reunited with his daughters soon. “At a time when I am not allowed to even wish my teenage daughter a happy birthday, I just want to be able to tell them how much I love them.”
If you want to become part of the community or find out more about this Dad’s mission and how you can help spread the word, please visit his blog and Facebook page. If you want local resources please visit the NCFC Greater Pittsburgh Chapter.