Space came and took my love away.  It’s so quiet in this lonely house.  I’m not sure it’s somewhere I can stay, or if I even have a choice.  I reached the place where all I wanted was to be right here but it was too late.  This empty room is my only friend now and the loss is what hurts the most.  I sit here crying with nothing better to do; broken down and wounded yet still in love with you.

I looked before me, and what was once a rose is now an annoying weed.  What once I always waited for, I avoid just like the plague.  How can two people see a painting as two completely different things?  How when there’s so many of us, am I right here alone?  I guess I may have to carry on and find the next adventure, but how do you get to a place you don’t know even exists.  I swore I could’ve saved the book if I tried with all my might, but should’ve fucking realized the chapters were already written before I even arrived.  Sitting on the bench the book in my control starts changing right before my eyes with nothing I can do.  The question is do you keep trying to read it or go get a book of value instead. You look behind you and the road is beautiful and strong, the path that lies in front of you has flowers all along; but before you can smell the flowers, the backdrop is all gone.  Run so fast so you don’t fall, but will you always think about what has gone away or stay the course until the day the flowers are both ways.  Once in a great while, everything works out, but other times you have no choice before you but to let it run its course and hope that you will find some help it’s nothing you can force.  What once was never there can become something you can’t forget, becomes a faded memory blocked out with no regret.  If you saw your every wish with a loaded gun in front, would you wish you never saw it, or make it just a stunt.  A chance to have your everything when it could leave you with just loss, or would your wish be a wish, that this you never crossed?

A few people have asked me why I would want to share the fact that I violated the court order.  Let me try to briefly explain.  First of all, the verbiage of not discussing divorce, custody, etc. is a very typical inclusion in all orders and realistically is intended for young children who don’t know and don’t need to know about adult matters.  In this case my children are both over 14 years old and look to their father to understand the things that they hear at school and read online.  I have told every judge, counselor, mediator, and any other official that asked, that I was going to answer my children about anything and EVERYTHING that my children ask me.  This has been addressed by mother for nearly 5 years now without the previous judge once punishing me even after my admissions.  I did not START conversations about it nor did I pressure them into anything.  As a result of my love, openness, and commitment to my children, they have come to me about sex, hygeine, pain, love, confusion, future, school, and basically anything and everything they want to talk about.  Now a judge and their mother have taught them that having a parent willing to love you and communicate with you openly is a bad thing and taken that resource from them.  They have taught them that it is better to hide everything away and pertend things are fine no matter what.  Mom has taught them to allow a man to come in to their lives and use a loud voice and intimidation to control them.  They have watched their mom make decisions that they know she would never have made before their step father came around.  They are living with the feeling that their mother has chosen this stranger over them and as a result they are no longer allowed to have a relationship with their father.  So, why do I openly admit to violating a court order, because that is not what is at issue here, because my whole point is that this system allows an incarcerated sexual offender speak to their child while I am not allowed to communicate with my near adult age children because their mother decides to take their child support and leverage a broken system to hurt me instead of putting money towards their education and happiness.  That’s why.  Because I stand by everything I do.  Because I love my children and I hurt and I want to make a difference and I want my children to know (someday) that I am not ashamed, guilty, afraid, broken, but rather that I love them and I never gave up fighting for them!  To teach my children that they can never let someone else bully them and force them to accept what is wrong.  I LOVE YOU GIRLS!  -Daddy

So, I ask you to look at what this California judge ordered because mom whined via ex parte for the 8th time. After being denied 7 times and just 2 months after a custody hearing and new orders a new judge was assigned and mom tried again.

 So as you can see this order is punitive for violating an order. I THINK THAT THE JUDGE AND MOM ARE VIOLATING LAWS! Is this in the best interest of the children? The judge said he didn’t think so himself when he made the order. Does this consider the fact that the previous judge of over 6 years rejected this request 7 times? Nope. Does this consider the age of the children (nearly 18)? Clearly not. Does this in fact adjudicate the judge’s control over visitation to a 3rd party (mom) because she can choose which supervisor to agree to? Oh yes! Did the judge follow the law and state clearly when, where, how visits would occur and how or when this horrific and damaging order can be modified to restore the relationship with the father? NOPE! 

Yesterday I was at a place where I should have felt happy.  I was surrounded by the people I love and who love me.  We were having a good time but I couldn’t shake that feeling like something wasn’t right.  Then I realized it, not that it changes anything when I catch it, depression was sneaking into my head again.  How is it that I can look at someone I am so in love with and still find myself feeling like their is something wrong or something lacking.  Am I just expecting things to get fucked up?  I HATE depression, I hate when I know that there is nothing wrong and I know that my perspective is off but I can’t shake it.  How can I be with someone else when I am so off in my own head.  How can I expect them to put their head on my shoulder and tell me that it’s ok when they are probably frustrated that I seem to be making a problem that isn’t even there? 

Everyone seems to think that if they tell me that everything is ok then I will just magically feel better.  I know I’m depressed but that doesn’t mean I can just decide to be happy.  I wonder what its like to feel happy.  I wonder what its like to just live one’s days without drama and pain and regret and sadness.  I have everything I have ever wanted or needed but I can’t be happy and I fucking hate that!  I want my children back, I want my ex’s out of my life, I want better health, I want to feel confident and safe in my relationships, I want to change, I want to be somebody again.  

I can’t wait until this whirlpool of sadness stops spinning and at least gives me a brief break.  I want some time to climb out of the funnel and enjoy the view up top.  I know I’ll slide back down but my battle for right now is to just get that brief respite.

It is coming up on 3 months since YOU stripped me from our daughters’ lives and I haven’t received any responses from you in regards to sharing messages with them.  I am severely disappointed that when I was in the ICU in a life threatening situation you maintained your completely selfish position and left the girls frightened, uninformed, and unable to speak to their own father.  What confuses me the most is that in all of the research I have done in the last 3 months trying to understand what could possibly be going through you head, I haven’t found a single person, expert, article, law, anything that supports you severing our relationship over something as petty and overstated as violating the courts standard verbiage not to discuss court or each other.  It saddens me to think that the girls want so badly to graduate and have nothing to do with you, all of your selfishness will only serve to hurt the girls and drive them away from any relationship with you in the future.  I wonder where it is you lost a grip on reality?  Is it when ++++ became involved?  The girls often said that “mom wouldn’t do that if ++++
wasn’t around.”  It’s a pitty, think about how much “child support” you have selfishly thrown away to keep me and my daughters separate when you could have nice safe vehicles and college funds for both of them when you are receiving over $40k a year from me alone.  I guess it would be easier to save for the girls if you didn’t blow it all on lawyers and if I wasn’t supporting the rest of your family because your husband can’t.

As always, I am open and wish to communicate about a way to return to a visitation plan that is actually in the girls best interest.  If you should be so inclined to communicate in any way at any time please let me know immediately.