Space came and took my love away. It’s so quiet in this lonely house. I’m not sure it’s somewhere I can stay, or if I even have a choice. I reached the place where all I wanted was to be right here but it was too late. This empty room is my only friend now and the loss is what hurts the most. I sit here crying with nothing better to do; broken down and wounded yet still in love with you.
My dad died 32 years ago today and it seems that not a days goes by, even after all this time, that it doesn’t come up in my life somehow. What saddens me even more than that is how our girls are suffering a much worse experience because of your decisions. I am very much alive and I have spend every ounce of energy trying to be with them through all of their life. They will now become adults with the gap and pain in their lives of having been forced to live without a parent.
ALL IN THE BEST INTEREST OF THE CHILD? MAYBE IF THE COURTS AGREE MY EX-WIFE IS A FREAKING CHILD!!!
1. I, admittedly, led my marriage to its early grave.
2. A few rocky years finally lead to 50/50 custody with a reasonable child support order.
3. Reasonable peace for the most part but disagreements always went to mom so I didn’t have to fight and it was clear the girls couldn’t discuss me or my new wife at mom’s.
4. She starts to deny special requests, family is visiting from out of town and wants a few hours with the kids on “her days” and she refuses, even with the girls begging to go.
5. Now there are constant court hearings saying that I am a drug addict and my now second ex-wife is a danger to the kids, even though she had helped me raise them for nearly 5 years at this point. All denied but my horrible lawyer actually allows an order saying that I am not allowed to facilitate contact between the two parties. How can family court have jurisdiction over whether an outside party speaks to the kids or not?
6. I move to Colorado and the girls begin to speak their minds and want to move with me. She ignores them for a while then we end up back in court, over and over again.
7. SEVEN requests for supervised visitation for dad! Only reason is that I am “pressuring them to say they want to move and discussing court matters with them.” Each and every time it is denied even with her spyware screen prints of 500 pages of my Facebook, Twitter, and Blogs. Mind you the girls weren’t allowed to be my “friend” on any social media or they would have to delete their accounts.
8. Suddenly, after 8 years, she needs nearly $2,000 a month in child support including arrears back to when she first filed and then delayed the hearings.
9. After the judge allowed one child to testify in court, all documents stating that the 14 year old clearly wants to live with dad, the court denies it and agrees to the maximum child support WITH arrears.
10. Step dad gets abusive and daughter runs away. Who does she call, DAD. I support her and try everything but end up getting a Cease and Desist from Step Ass and a new hearing for supervised visitation.
11. New judge, same exact verbiage as other 7 requests and the judge GRANTS it.
12. 6 months now with no contact other than an occasional text telling me they miss me and wish they could talk to me.
I looked before me, and what was once a rose is now an annoying weed. What once I always waited for, I avoid just like the plague. How can two people see a painting as two completely different things? How when there’s so many of us, am I right here alone? I guess I may have to carry on and find the next adventure, but how do you get to a place you don’t know even exists. I swore I could’ve saved the book if I tried with all my might, but should’ve fucking realized the chapters were already written before I even arrived. Sitting on the bench the book in my control starts changing right before my eyes with nothing I can do. The question is do you keep trying to read it or go get a book of value instead. You look behind you and the road is beautiful and strong, the path that lies in front of you has flowers all along; but before you can smell the flowers, the backdrop is all gone. Run so fast so you don’t fall, but will you always think about what has gone away or stay the course until the day the flowers are both ways. Once in a great while, everything works out, but other times you have no choice before you but to let it run its course and hope that you will find some help it’s nothing you can force. What once was never there can become something you can’t forget, becomes a faded memory blocked out with no regret. If you saw your every wish with a loaded gun in front, would you wish you never saw it, or make it just a stunt. A chance to have your everything when it could leave you with just loss, or would your wish be a wish, that this you never crossed?
A few people have asked me why I would want to share the fact that I violated the court order. Let me try to briefly explain. First of all, the verbiage of not discussing divorce, custody, etc. is a very typical inclusion in all orders and realistically is intended for young children who don’t know and don’t need to know about adult matters. In this case my children are both over 14 years old and look to their father to understand the things that they hear at school and read online. I have told every judge, counselor, mediator, and any other official that asked, that I was going to answer my children about anything and EVERYTHING that my children ask me. This has been addressed by mother for nearly 5 years now without the previous judge once punishing me even after my admissions. I did not START conversations about it nor did I pressure them into anything. As a result of my love, openness, and commitment to my children, they have come to me about sex, hygeine, pain, love, confusion, future, school, and basically anything and everything they want to talk about. Now a judge and their mother have taught them that having a parent willing to love you and communicate with you openly is a bad thing and taken that resource from them. They have taught them that it is better to hide everything away and pertend things are fine no matter what. Mom has taught them to allow a man to come in to their lives and use a loud voice and intimidation to control them. They have watched their mom make decisions that they know she would never have made before their step father came around. They are living with the feeling that their mother has chosen this stranger over them and as a result they are no longer allowed to have a relationship with their father. So, why do I openly admit to violating a court order, because that is not what is at issue here, because my whole point is that this system allows an incarcerated sexual offender speak to their child while I am not allowed to communicate with my near adult age children because their mother decides to take their child support and leverage a broken system to hurt me instead of putting money towards their education and happiness. That’s why. Because I stand by everything I do. Because I love my children and I hurt and I want to make a difference and I want my children to know (someday) that I am not ashamed, guilty, afraid, broken, but rather that I love them and I never gave up fighting for them! To teach my children that they can never let someone else bully them and force them to accept what is wrong. I LOVE YOU GIRLS! -Daddy
Divorce happens. That’s not to say it should happen, but it’s not uncommon. The divorce rate is over 50% in the United States and the chances of a successful marriage drop substantially with each re-marriage. The carnage left in the wake of a marriage ending may seem insurmountable. It ranges from sorrow and depression, anger, financial landslide and children left hurt and confused by the break-up of their family. That’s just the short list.
With all the emotions and changes that happen in such a short amount of time, it’s impossible to make all the right choices 100% of the time. Sometimes emotion and hurt feelings cloud the judgment of one or both of the parties involved. It can be a slippery slope. Especially if there are children involved. When it really comes down to it, Children end up suffering the most in a divorce. Children have their worlds shaken to the core. They had two parents in the home and now they only have one. Maybe dad moves out of state, maybe mom remarries. Everything that was constant and true in their world has been turned upside down.
In a perfect world, marriages with children would end amicably. Both parties would agree to reasonable terms without fighting, financial arrangements, shared custody, etc. But this isn’t a perfect world. What happens when those hurt feelings completely cloud the judgment of the custodial parent?
Ultimately, it could lead to the custodial parent using the court system as a means of revenge. Constant litigation, parent alienation, allegations…even losing the right to speak to or see your own children. This can happen anywhere, to anyone. Mom’s and dad’s that are denied access to their children because of loop holes in the law, false allegations and a system that clearly favors mothers. But this isn’t just about Father’s Rights or a mother’s rights. It’s about a child’s right to have access to good, willing and fit parents.
This is one Dad’s story. (He is staying anonymous because of the constant litigation.) But this is not an unfamiliar story. Every day children are litigated away from good parents. It’s not only a fact, but the title of his Facebook page. This Dad said “enough is enough” after losing the right to speak to his daughter’s unsupervised. “My children are suffering at the hands of a broken system in desperate need of repair.” The anonymous father that uses AlwaysTheirDad as his online moniker said. “I refuse to sit back while my rights as a father are simply litigated away from me and my children.” Now he is on a mission to help local parents and parents all across the country. He wants to give them a voice and a community to come together and share their woes and victories. But his mission is dual purposed; he also wants to spread the word about his own case in the hopes that he can be reunited with his daughters soon. “At a time when I am not allowed to even wish my teenage daughter a happy birthday, I just want to be able to tell them how much I love them.”
If you want to become part of the community or find out more about this Dad’s mission and how you can help spread the word, please visit his blog and Facebook page. If you want local resources please visit the NCFC Greater Pittsburgh Chapter.
Today is DAUGHTER’S 17th birthday and I can’t speak to her and wish her a happy birthday or tell her how much I love her. I want to make sure you recognize that this is SOLELY your choice and she speaks to others about how much she is hurt because she can’t speak to her father on her birthday. I’ve included just my family in this email because any one of them can tell you their experience with the girls and the pain and anger the girls have expressed to them, as well as testify to the fact that I seek only one thing; unfettered time with my children. They could tell you that everything I do in my life is for the 3 children I have and love more than life itself.
DAUGHTER1 is not 7 anymore and she knows what’s going on. This isn’t about a judge knowing the law best, as you say, this is about ONE THING ONLY, you choose to keep 2 teenage girls away from their father. You have made no effort to discuss what’s best for them, there is no claim or fear of damage to the girls that could come from the girls having a relationship with me, you can’t even speak to the girls about the decision that you made. You cannot hide behind a law that says not to talk about a subject with the girls as a meritorious argument to keep me from the girls. The law protects child molesters and felons with more rights than I have currently and you have simply used the system selfishly at the price of our children’s happiness, you have singlehandedly robbed them from the right to love and be loved by their father and family. If you are somehow truly under the impression that the girls are ok with what you have required the court to do, I can put several of my friends and family in touch with you to talk to you about what the girls have said and how they have expressed their feelings over the last 6 weeks. I have had children talk to me about the sadness they have because their fathers don’t even try to be in their lives. Do you have any idea how important it was for them that I flew out there to see their play and spend time with them? Any idea at all? How can you deny them that?
For the girls benefit I will emphasize this to you one more time. I am SORRY. I recognize that I shouldn’t have given into my emotions at certain times and should not have said certain things. I give you my word that outside of those times I have always told the girls that even when they are upset about how they are treated at your house, to remember that whatever you are doing you are doing because you love them and believe it’s the best thing. Even when I have been left completely bewildered by your actions I have never encouraged them to hate you and I have NEVER stood between them and time with you.
The bottom line is this. I am a good father, a damn good father and the girls NEED me in their life too. There is no law needed or truly at issue here and it is 100% your decision to keep them from me. In the long run I will talk to the girls again and the only thing that is happening now is that they are building anger and resentment for being forced away from me and having to hold inside the anger they have. The girls and I both know that you have no real fear or substantiated reason to take this action. I urge you to consider the fact that you have been doing this to punish me and don’t have a valid concern that I could hurt the girls. As much as I have made mistakes in my life and look back wishing I could have done things differently, you will one day be able to see that you have fallen right into the trap of The American Divorce and spent all of your time and money doing nothing but attacking me at the price of our children’s happiness. It truly saddens me more than anything in the world that you can’t see that before they turn 18 and make their own decisions.
Take a few minutes today and think to yourself how you would feel if I went into court and forced them to take the girls away from you. Imagine waking up in the morning every day wanting to just say hi to them and not being allowed to. Imagine loving them with all of your heart and being kept completely out of their lives. Imagine being 17 and having a wonderful relationship with your father and finding out that mom has made it so that you can’t even talk to him on your birthday. Can you imagine with all the pain she is going through as a teenager and now not being able to talk to me? Can you imagine being in her place and wanting to talk to me at lunch when she is alone and sad only to have her mom come in and strip that from her without so much as explaining why? Can you imagine coupling that pain with her feelings about things with your husband? Can you imagine what she’ll say when she’s adult and has a conversation with a friend about what happened with her parents when she was a teenager? Can you actually imagine anything good coming from you stripping their father from them and never even explaining why you thought it was a good idea? Can you imagine anything?